"I Will Survive"...I suppose...

This is really wearing on me and I do not like how it feels. I'm exhausted. I am drained. I feel like I have nothing left to give of myself. When I get home from work Emma heads to her room to put things away, take her shoes off etc. Cody is usually happy so he sits in his carseat while I make a mad dash into the kitchen to get dinner started. I'm literally running around like a fool to get everything going while Cody is content. Cody never really gets unhappy, but I'd just assume not find out what that looks/sounds like. If I'm lucky I get to pee and change clothes before 7PM. That is usually when I get to sit down for the first time.

I never get to eat while the food is hot. Cody is out of his carseat by the time dinner is done so I serve up Emma's plate and she eats while I'm feeding the baby. I've gotten to where I eat my lunch at work later in the day so I'm not starving until late at night when I get to eat finally.

I hate being away from my husband. PERIOD. It sucks. It hurts. And I'm OVER IT. But there's nothing to do or say. It is what it is and at this point I'm done talking about "one day". I'm glad that I can keep everything together on the home front but like I said, I'm wearing very thin. All I do from 6AM-11PM is run. I run around the house cooking, then cleaning up dinner, folding and putting away laundry, getting clothes laid out and children bathed. I feel like I'm running a never-ending race. I'm too tired to think of another word besides "exhausted."

Emma ALWAYS has something going on at school so I usually have projects to keep up with and outfits to keep clean so she can wear them on the designated days. We're also playing kickball and in dance class. We have practice one day a week, a game a week and dance every Thursday evening. I'm exhausted just from typing it out.

I want to do more at work. I want to do a better job. There are projects I could be working on from home, but can't. There is no time. I have no time for me. This is really wearing on me and I do not like how it feels. I'm exhausted. I am drained.

Cut Off

This is going to be a short one because I'm exhausted.

Last Friday was another INSANELY busy day for me. After a week without David (his long week at work)I had one ringer of a day ahead of me. Redeemer was closed for parent-teacher conferences- they do this twice a year. I love the communication with the teachers and staff, but it is definitely an inconvenience to find childcare for Emma on these days. Luckily my parents are awesome and each split their day between work and home so that they could keep Emma for us. Cody went to daycare as usual, David came home to sleep and I headed to work.

Actually let me back up. Thursday night (while David was working) Emma had dance class. I dropped Emma off and my parents volunteered to pick her up so that I could get home with Cody and get him settled versus sitting up at the dance school for an hour. My parents came up with the idea that Emma could just spend the night since they would be keeping her Friday. (My Mom was excited to keep her on Friday because she and Emma had been talking about a big cooking/baking fest for a while now. My Mom gave Emma a Disney Princess cookbook for her birthday and they made a few recipes out of that.) AWESOME! They picked Emma up from dance, came by our house to pack up clothes and they also brought me dinner. It was nice to get home and have some quiet time since it had been such a demanding week.

Early last week my boss gave me a rather exciting task. We are a consulting firm and get paid to consult. We get said consulting work by responding to requests for qualifications or writing proposals. Well, after 4.5 years with the company I finally got to prepare a proposal and it felt great! Unfortunately, I kind of had to bust ass to get it all done but it turned out great and I have high hopes that we get the job. I got to work BEFORE 8AM on Friday (my Mom knew I was trying to get this proposal done and would need all extra time in the morning as possible, and them keeping Emma would really help) and got the proposal done and out the door!

So I worked until a little after 10AM and then headed to RLS for Emma's parent-teacher conference. I adore Emma's teacher and pray we have many more caring, kind, attentive, patient teachers in our lives! After that, I had to race home.

Now for the point...

I've always known that David wanted to have a vasectomy when the time came to stop having babies. He's always said he'd be the one to get that taken care of since it's less invasive/dangerous for a man. When we found out we were having a boy, that pretty much sealed the deal and David's been ready to have the vasectomy ever since. I did some research and got a referral from my OB and we really like the urologist that we went to. Friday afternoon was the big day.

When I got home, after only 4 hours of sleep after work, David was up and getting showered and ready. As the surgery grew closer he was getting nervous. We knew it was safe but it's still surgery so we were both a little anxious. I imagine this is what David felt like when I was going into labor; excitement, anxiety mixed with a little bit of fear of the unknown. They told us to get there an hour early. The only problem was an hour early is during their lunch break and the entire office shuts down- they lock the doors and don't answer phones. Luckily, a man in the waiting room opened the door when David knocked. The front office staff was grumpy and said "We might as well take the sign off the door." Ugh, whatever. It all worked out. They got David all signed in and in no time the nurse called us back to get him started on meds.

It wasn't long before we were back in the exam room and the fun began. The whole time we were in the waiting room I kept asking David if he was sure. I was joking, but then again I wasn't. This day met me with a lot of emotions and I definitely shed a few tears. I mean, we made this beautiful child together- how can you not want more? But, we are very blessed to have a healthy (God willing) little boy and girl. It's just that I'm only 25- even if we waited 10 years I'd still only be 35. It's ok. I'm happy with our decision and am definitely excited to never have to take birth control again! It totally messed me up and I gained weight and it threw my hormones out of whack which led to more time at the Endocrinologist than I care to think about.

I definitely wanted to go back to the room with David but somehow thought there would be a little more space between us. Nope. I was right there in the thick of it and there was no backing out now. I was already committed. David was in this chair thing that raised up and reclined. The Dr. stood there and went to work. The local anesthetic was the hard part and the only thing David felt. After that it was smooth sailing- for David. Since I was about 5' away I pretty much had to look. I watched him do one side and then started to feel dizzy and sick to my stomach. I don't do well with needles and seeing them, well, you know, it just didn't do so well for me. So I looked away as much as I could and listened to David and the Dr. talk Longhorn sports, baseball etc. It was only like 15-20minutes start to finish.

David decided he was fine enough to join his co-workers for a little dinner get together at Sam's house in Drippin'. So just three hours after his surgery we packed the kids up and hit the road. We had a lovely time but Mr. stubborn was feeling left out and insisted he join the guys in a round of horseshoes. They indulged him for a little while. David is really doing just fine. He's uncomfortable if he moves the wrong way but is totally on the way to recovery.

There Are No Words

http://sendables.jibjab.com/view/72ERtLaRrqDRarHo

Theron made this months ago, but I just had to save it. For those of you that don't know, the guys "featured" in this video are our friends. You can go to jibjab.com to create custom videos like this one. So fun!

I Impress Myself

Lately I feel like our life is like a country song. I'm reminded of the lyrics to "Sounds Like Life to Me" by Darryl Worley:

Got a call last night from an old friend’s wife
Said I hate to bother you
Johnny Ray fell off the wagon
He’s been gone all afternoon
I know my buddy so I drove to Skully’s
And found him at the bar
I say hey man, what’s going on
He said I don’t know where to start

Sarah’s old car’s about to fall apart
And the washer quit last week
We had to put momma in the nursing home
And the baby’s cutting teeth
I didn’t get much work this week
And I got bills to pay
I said I know this ain’t what you wanna hear
But it’s what I’m gonna say

(Chorus)
Sounds like life to me it ain’t no fantasy
It’s just a common case of everyday reality
Man I know it’s tough but you gotta suck it up
To hear you talk you’re caught up in some tragedy
It sounds like life to me

Well his face turned red and he shook his head
He said you don’t understand
Three kids and a wife depend on me
And I’m just one man
To top it off I just found out
That Sarah’s 2 months late
I said hey bartender set us up a round
We need to celebrate

(Chorus)
Sounds like life to me plain old destiny
Yeah the only thing for certain is uncertainty
You gotta hold on tight just enjoy the ride
Get used to all this unpredictability
Sounds like life

Man I know its tough but you gotta suck it up
To hear you talk you’re caught up in some tragedy
Sounds like life to me
Sounds like life
---------------------------------------------------
Jill Moore correctly dubbed it "survival mode."

We live a blessed life and don't I know it! But it just seems like ever since Cody has been born life has been more intense. Not bad, just BUSY and things keep happening at all the WRONG times.

Since we've got two hefty daycare tuitions to pay- which equal what amounts to a very nice mortgage payment- we are watching every dime. The first thing to go was eating out. I've been cooking at least five nights a week and bringing my lunch to work. I've even found myself re-using ziploc bags. David says I'm crazy (about the ziplocs) but hey! It makes me sick to think of the money we had been spending on eating out. It definitely got out of hand in the later months of pregnancy. Hopefully we can establish healthy habits now that will have multiple benefits for us and our kids.

I'm just really proud of myself for working, taking care of the kids and cooking and cleaning so much. Cody is usually really happy when we get home so he chills out in his carseat while I get dinner started. If Cody is awake, sometimes I will ask Emma to come talk or sing to him so that I can go to the restroom or change clothes- she is a HUGE help, especially on the nights that David is working.

I have another great incentive to watching my money- new clothes! I have hardly any bottoms that fit my new size- because I haven't worn this size since I first met David almost four years ago!

As we're beginning this new chapter in our lives, I'm so encouraged by the strength of our marriage. I LOVE that we know each other so well. We know how to communicate with and read each other and more often than not, I find myself not needing to say anything or ask questions- I already know. Love that husband of mine.

Buy Two of Everything

Well we've had our first few days at daycare and so far so good. The first day when I picked him up in the afternoon he was in the swing crying, but not badly, just fussing. Cody has only been in his swing at home one time so I know he's not used to it. Overall it was a good report for day #1. They worked on listening skills as the teachers sang and read stories to him. I'm sure Cody LOVED this as these are two of his favorite things to do with Mommy and Daddy. The teachers in his room seem very loving and genuinely seem to care about his well-being. I appreciate that they ask intelligent questions and seek my input.

It's a little bizarre having Cody in daycare; he seems so tiny and felt like I was ripping a part of myself off. I'm not sure if that makes sense, but that's what it feels like. Emma has been a big helper in the mornings, and David too for that matter. David gets home from work about 6:30 and gets all of Cody's bottles ready for the day and in his "lunchbox" as well as making Emma's lunch and having them both on the sofa table by the door for us to grab on our way out. This makes my life easier since it is like moving mountains to get us out the door in the morning.

Cody wakes up about 6-6:30AM. When I start to hear him I jump out of bed and get myself dressed before I get him up, changed, dressed and fed. When he's done I make sure Emma is up and dressing herself- I've been laying out her clothes the night before. Emma helps me grab everything we need for the day and we're out the door.

First stop, Cody's daycare. If we get out of the house on time we can usually make it there by 7:30 and there is only one or two other babies at school by that time. I like it because the room is calm and I have an opportunity to visit with the 'lead' teacher. We have to take the bottles pre-made so I put those in his cubby in the refrigerator. Cody usually falls asleep in the car on the way to school so he usually stays in his carseat when he first gets there.

So far I'm happy overall with this Stepping Stones location. But after the first week of daycare David and I did some soul-searching. We were both stressed and worried about being able to afford both Cody and Emma in full time daycare through August! The bottom line is we just can't. For about a day we discussed me working part time and staying home with the kids on the days that David has to work. That really saves us no money, we would just come out even and still be tight. Even if I did work part time I would want Emma to finish preschool and "graduate" with her class at the end of May- so we'd still be paying her tuition until then. {Hang in there, I'm getting to the point post haste.} Since David had volunteered the idea of keeping one or both of the kids on his days off, now we just needed to find someone to keep one or both of the kids on the other days. It only works out to 10 days out of the month because David works Mon/Tues/Fri (so we'd need childcare three days that week) and then Wed/Thurs (so we'd need childcare only those two days) the next week.

I felt such relief just by discussing this option! We've spoken to a couple of our friends about helping out with one or both of the kids and now we just pray and wait.

The Jug is Up!

The time has come for breastfeeding to be over.

I have loved and will cherish every moment that I spent nursing Cody. It is truly one of god's miracles and the most beautiful, natural thing.

However, my little Mr. is no longer able to get full from breastmilk. One day I nursed him for an hour and a half and it STILL wasn't enough. I think part of the problem is that I did not increase my caloric intake or eat enough. While I have been at home I've only been eating 1-2 meals a day. Also, we introduced formula fairly early and Cody was able to get fuller faster and therefore get to sleep sooner which he enjoyed.

I don't regret any decisions we've made because Cody is a healthy, happy baby. I'm thankful he was able to breastfeed and take a bottle.

----------------------

I'm finishing this post a week after I began writing it (on the 6th, today is the 13th) so we've totally switched gears now. It's definitely different having all these bottles to keep clean and packing up the diaper bag is a whole new ball game. On a positive note, Cody is doing very well with his formula. In the beginning we had trouble finding the right one. We started with Similac Advance which was fine but he was gassy- we've since determined that he is just a gassy baby, and then tried Similac Soy- I thought he would have trouble with milk-based formulas since he was very fussy with breastfeeding after I had drank milk; but the soy made be throw up. Next up was Similac Sensitive which made him constipated. Dealing with all of this and considering stopping breastfeeding was really hard on me. I hated the guilt I was dealing with. The pediatrician was ready to switch to Alimentum which is what Emma had to take and costs about $180-$200 a month. I said wait a minute, I've only tired Similac formulas, can you recommend one from another brand? Her answer was the one I wanted. Enfamil Gentlease. I knew of it because that's what my brother and SIL are feeding Drew.

It took a couple of days but we started to see an improvement and in no time Cody was pooping normally and much less gassy. He's still Mr. farts-a-lot but now we never have to give him Mylicon whereas we were giving it to him with every bottle before.

Deciding to stop breastfeeding and then actually doing so was really hard for me. It's incredibly difficult to walk away from something so intimate and also beneficial for both of us. One night, the 5th I think? I just finally made up my mind that we needed to be done. I felt so much better instantly without that huge pressure on me. Over the next few days I stopped pumping and nursing all together. I had already dramatically decreased the number of times during the day that I was nursing and pumping so I didn't feel the need to wean too gradually. The first three days were the worst. The most painful part is behind me but I know we are far from being done.

When I would start to Google for websites with insight about healing techniques etc. all I was finding were websites that have you question your decision to supplement or stop breastfeeding. They were full of sweet pictures of nursing babies and that made it so much more painful for me. But here I am a week later and Mommy and Cody are doing great.

The Honeymoon is Over?

Today has been horrible. At about 4:30AM I hear Emma calling for me in the hallway. She sounded disoriented and pathetic calling "Mama?" She had thrown up. A LOT. She sat in her bean bag chair while I stripped her bed, cleaned up everywhere else and got her into clean pajamas and re-did her bed. About the time I was telling her goodnight, Cody woke up. That was fine, he had been asleep for 5 hours!

While I'm feeding Cody in the living room I hear Emma whimpering- she had thrown up again. All over her bed, etc. Again. I had just started feeding Cody so I had to wake up David to help. He hates to see Emma feeling badly and was so patient with her. He walked her to the bathroom and reminded her how to kneel in front of the potty in case she needed to get sick again. Which she did. While he re-stripped her bed, Emma came to the living room and layed on the couch. Her color looked terrible and I could tell she still felt badly. David started laundry since we wer down to her last set of clean sheets and her comforter, bedskirt, pillow shams etc. were now dirty. He put sheets on her bed and then came to the living room to keep an eye on her for a while. Eventually she wanted to go back to bed and we put a trashcan next to her just in case. She ended up getting sick again during the night and then again about mid-day. I forgot to mention that during the night when I was helping with Emma, that I stubbed my toe on a packing tape dispenser- the serrated, metal part, nice! Earlier in the week I dropped my cupcake baking pan on my big toe- I could barely walk for a whole day!

Anyway-

Cody went back to sleep pretty much right away and slept for four hours, until 9AM. I got up to feed him and Emma was starting to wake up. I got Cody back to sleep and got Emma settled with cartoons and sips of water. Today I had to work. It's the beginning of the month so I have to get all of our client invoices out. Since I was hardly able to work this week since David has been working I really had to go in to get caught up. I jumped into the shower, pumped and got the next bottle ready for David and left for work just before 11AM.

Work was insane. I stayed until 4:30 and never once left my desk to pee, eat, make a phone call etc! I'm exhausted and completely fried. We have so much going on, David is still on nights and I'm 100% overwhelmed. I'll admit it- I ran the numbers to see if we could make a change in my employment status. There's no way. Even though Cody's daycare tuition will be more than our rent and with his and Emma's tuition combined would equal a very nice mortgage payment- the sum of the two is only about 40% of my monthy salary. Obviously we have uses for the other 60% of my income. Damn!

I've never, ever wanted to be a stay at home Mom. Mainly because I don't think I could handle it. I'm not very patient, enjoy a change of scenery and am in no way a teacher by nature. However, I have learned over the last five weeks that being a SAHM can keep you busier than ever! The first couple of weeks while Cody was exclusively breastfeeding were very demanding. Even now, it's all I can do to eat more than once a day. I take turns going to the bathroom, showering, eating, resting, working and housework during the times that Cody is sleeping. It has been so challenging to focus on Emma as well. On David's days off I've been able to spend some time at her school and be involved with what she has going on. We have another two and a half months of dance classes and kickball season is underway! We have two kickball practices a week until April and dance is on Thursday nights. When David is at work I'm pretty much losing my mind and I'm SO NERVOUS about going back to work full time. I have no idea how I'm going to juggle work and home and still have time and energy to stay on top of our marriage let alone "me time".

I guess you just figure it out and get through. I miss David terribly when he's at work or sleeping during the day. I will never forget these last few weeks we've spent together. It was kind of like a honeymoon. Life couldn't be better. We have two healthy, beautiful children and David and I are closer than ever. I just have to have faith that I will be able to handle all of my responsibilities and focus on enjoying life! I feel amazing, know how blessed I am and just have to keep things in perspective.

Yesterday was a much better day! DD was off but he slept until about 12:30. Cody and I visited with him in our bed and then we headed out to Cody's future daycare. We had already registered Cody at a Stepping Stone school near our house but had let them know we would be interested in getting on the waiting list for the McNeil Rd. location since they offer after school care and pick up from Emma's future Elementary school. Sure enough, I got a call a couple of days later that they had an infant spot open up. We visited the school, and registered Cody to start next week and Emma for the summer and after school care. It will cost a pretty penny- even more than we had prepared ourselves for, but we both feel really good about it!

Later that day we discovered that David had won $200 in a Lotto scratch off! Wahoo! We bought the bedding I had been looking at along with curtains etc. I'm excited at the prospect of a new look for our bedroom. I splurged and bought a Crate and Barrel comforter right before I met David so it's been four years since we've had something new. Last weekend we had just bought two new lamps for our nightstands and so far I'm loving them.

That just about sums up the last couple of days! Cody is doing amazing. Last Saturday I started laying him in his crib for naps and letting him tummy sleep. He is so strong and holds his head and lifts it side to side. Emma was an early tummy sleeper as well. We just use the monitors and check on him often. He is sleeping a lot less during the day but averaging 3-5 hours at night.

Don't Mess With a Mommy!

Recently a friend of mine/our wedding photographer was told that she could not use a Target (Pflugerville) fitting room to breastfeed her infant and that she would need to go to the store's restroom if she needed to do so. There was no one in any of the fitting rooms, nor was anyone waiting to go in.

I see many problems with this. First and foremost this is in violation of the state Breastfeeding Law which: "gives the mother the right to breastfeed her baby in ANY location she is authorized to be." Check out the statute in the Health and Safety Code, Chapter 165 for yourself: http://www.dshs.state.tx.us/wichd/lactate/mother.shtm#item2

Secondly, it's not like she was wanting to walk around the store with her boob hanging out. She asked for permission to privately feed her child in an unused space- SO THAT SHE COULD SHOP LONGER. Hello Target? I am a very private person and had a lot of anxieties about breastfeeding, along with some incorrect preconceived notions. One being that I would never be able to do it in public. Wrong. I fed Cody in an Old Navy dressing room (which were also all empty) so that I could continue to shop and not have to leave the store. Even if my friend wanted to walk around the store with her child in a sling and covered-up she should have been able to do so, and it protected under the law to be able to do so.

Unfortunately, this was not the first for Target. http://mamaknowsbreast.com/target/ Perhaps they need to think about their sales; $300 breastpumps and all the families who choose to register and shop for their infants and children at their stores. If you cannot accommodate us, it seems as though we should shop elsewhere. This saddens me. Target was literally one of my daughter's first words! Sad, but I like to shop there! At an early age she knew to associate the bullseye logo with my favorite store, "Target!" At her 5th birthday party this weekend she got giftcards and though she cannot read, knew they were to Target! Michigan (where the story in the above link takes place) also has laws protecting breastfeeding mothers.

From what I'm reading online it looks as though (at least for Texas and most other states) in each case where management has been contacted after the fact at the various stores, movie theaters, restaurants and grocery stores where women have been asked to leave, escorted out or refused service- that management have simply issued apologies and said that they needed to better educate their staff and employees on the law pertaining to breastfeeding. I'm sorry, but that's not good enough. Not when I'm able to so easily find NUMEROUS cases of this happening. If you don't want breastfeeding in your store, open a gay bar.

There is no private property loophole. Go back to the top of this blog and read the sentence. It's black and white. If a woman is allowed in your establishment, she is allowed to breastfeed there. It's not public indeecency or lewdness, it's nature. Most women I know or have ever seen breastfeeding in public have been private about it. If I was every uncomfortable, I didn't look in that direction! I'm going to stay tuned for whatever Kim decides to do. The employees of Target need to get their act together if they don't want to lose business.

These are our children we're talking about. I'm not on this soapbox for attention or because I don't have anything else to be worrying about. Breastfeeding is protected under the law and a letter of apology doesn't do anyone any good at the time that they are being escorted out of a store or refused service. If I am ever embarrassed like that because I am trying to breastfeed our son somewhere, who ever is embarrassing me better watch out for my husband! Let us feed our kids, people. Just google 'breastfeed in public', 'not allowed to breastfeed', 'breastfeed at target' etc. and you'll be amazed. As you can see if you've read my previous blog, breastfeeding can be hard work- please don't make it any harder on us. I have a whole new respect for mothers who choose/are able to breastfeed.

Nobody Told Me I Wouldn't Be Able to Drink Milk!

**Disclaimer** This is the long-awaited breastfeeding blog so if words like breast, nipple etc. will give you the willies, this will not be a comfortable read for you.

Shortly after Cody was born, David and I found ourselves all alone with him in the Labor and Delivery room. I was holding Cody and David had been making phone calls about our glorious news. Then Cody began rubbing his fist accross his lips...I knew what that meant. I've always told David that I wanted another shot at breastfeeding. It was very upsetting to me when Emma and I weren't able to and it's something I wanted to be able to experience- not to mention the amazing health benefits for Mom and Baby!

David and I had had conversations about breastfeeding many times and not only was he totally on board with the idea, he was glad that I was willing to try again. I prepared David for the "nazi nurses" as a popular breastfeeding blog calls them. If Cody needed to gain weight quickly, or if he had jaundice etc. and we were slow to start breastfeeding well, it had been my experience (and that of many others) that the nurses would encourage us to supplement with formula right away. Emma had jaundice fairly severely and breastfeeding was not going well at all right out of the gate, so of course I approved of the supplementing. I don't blame our issues on that at all, it was simply her mouth or latch, for whatever reason. David was prepared to stand our ground with nurses if need be and be my support system. Now, getting back to Cody.

So it was just the three of us in the room and Cody was hungry! I thought, and probably verbalized aloud, "Well, here goes nothing." Cody made up for my lack of confidence- he knew just what to do! Cody nursed on one side for 25 minutes! I was amazed and thrilled- I bet I hardly took my eyes off of him; what a beautiful sight. From this point on I was committed to figuring this whole breastfeeding thing out. For instance, it did not occur to me that breastfed babies spit up- I assumed that was from the formula for bottle-fed babies.

Over the next few feedings we worked on switching sides, figuring out frequency of burping etc. While we were at the hospital Cody nursed on each side for 15-20minutes at a time. The second evening in the hospital I asked the nurse about speaking to a lactation consultant. There was one working that night so late that evening she came in and it just so happened to be feeding time. We were doing 'okay' but I knew the latch could use some adjusting to be more comfortable for me- I had heard that there should be no pain. But all I remembered from my attempts with Emma was PAIN. Anyway, the LC was WONDERFUL and we worked on a modified 'football hold' position. Cody has always liked to be upright anyway, so this works great for us! By the second day of birth my milk was totally in- the LC could tell by how it looked. I didn't know, it looked all the same to me. :) She was telling Cody how lucky he was. Comments like this really made me feel good since I pretty much felt like there was something wrong with me since it didn't work out so well the first time.

This new latch was AWESOME, no discomfort what-so-ever and I really could barely feel anything. At first I was using a nipple shield (there's one of those words, sorry) because I remembered it taking some of the 'edge' off when Emma and I were attempting to breastfeed. Now I don't use it because I really don't feel it. After a week or so I was ready to start pumping. The lactation consultants and everything I was reading and hearing was encouraging you to wait at least three weeks or until a "good" latch habit had been established. David had his first week back at work before Cody was two weeks old and I only lasted two days before I absolutely lost it. It was superbowl Sunday and I had barely slept that Friday and Saturday. Cody happened to be going through his 10-day growth spurt and was nursing every two hours or so! And so the pumping commenced. Before he went back to work David would get up with Cody and have him changed and ready-to-go when it was time for him to eat. David always made sure I had plenty of water with a straw and got me set up with pillows so I was comfortable :) It was quite the change to have David away and be on my own...

Thanks to some very kind friends/co-worker of David, we were given an awesome Medela pump to use! I had used this kind when Emma was born so I was thrilled because I knew it would work for me! David had to call in sick that Sunday and was able to stay home and help with feedings via bottle. My little champ does great with the boob and the bottle and has had no problems going back and forth between the two. I think it's thanks to that plastic nipple shield since it feels similar and is shaped like a bottle nipple. Whatever the reason- I'm thankful! It as definitely a relief to know I could have a break! This way I was also able to leave Cody at home with Daddy and take big sister to school, go into the office etc. Wahoo! As the days went by we decided to introduce some formula at night in hopes that Cody would be able to sleep longer.

In a way I was kind of dreading this. Emma was intolerant of all the 'regular' formulas and ended up taking Alimentum which cost us almost $200/month. Sure enough Cody was extremely gassy with the regular similac, had aweful diarrhea with the soy and became TERRIBLY constipated with one of the 'sensitive' versions. The pedi. was ready to switch to Alimentum but I asked what she thought about trying an Enfamil version since we'd only tried Similac thus far. She said exactly what I was hoping for- to try the Gentlease. We had just gotten and buy-one-get-one-free coupon for it from Walgreens and it was the same price as the other 'regular' formulas. While Cody was consitpated this week he was so uncomfortable and it broke our hearts and definitely interrupted our sleep, not to mention his sleep. I should add that we were giving him Mylicon with every bottle of formula and he was still gassy throughout all of these trials. I wish I could breastfeed exclusively but I've been going in to work since he was 6 days old and it just isn't always possible for me to be available (and have privacy) every three hours. It's not really my personality to just pull out my boob at a restaurant, shopping etc. so it was important to me that we have options.

I forgot to mention that in the beginning, and we still do this, that we would mix the formula and distilled water with breast milk that I had pumped. We are making him 4oz bottles and he pretty much takes the whole thing and burps after every ounce. When Cody was just a few days old we had my parents over for dinner and made pancakes, sausage and eggs. I had a big glass of milk not realizing that Cody would have trouble when it came time to nurse. Duh- that's why babies can't have cow's milk because they can't break it down. Cody had a rough time that night- lesson learned! Disappointing though because I was totally in the habit of drinking a lot of milk and having cereal while I was pregnant.

This has surely been a learning experience for me. No nuts, beans, chocolate, milk, spicy foods, caffiene etc. Luckily, like during my pregnancy, heavy, spicy, greasy foods don't sound good to me. But it's hard finding things to eat! The first few days I had a lot of salads, but all that lettuce wasn't so great either. One thing I missed during my pregnancy was having a glass of wine every once in a while. I had a half a glass on New Years' Eve but that's it. I might have to allow myself some after I pump sometime. Speaking of which, pumping is going great. It's hard for me to sit still that long though. When Cody nurses he goes for almost an hour!! Then it takes a little time to get him to rest or settled in to playing happily. By the time that is done, I'm exhausted and usually need to eat, shower or rest. But I'm trying to stay on top of pumping to keep my supply up as well as freeze milk for later.

To sum this up, I feel so honored to be able to breastfeed. It's so special and I cherish the time I share with Cody. I'm not sure how long we will breastfeed, but I didn't think I'd make it past week one, then week two, then the first month and yet here we are! My next goal is 2 months, then six months, then who knows. I'm just thankful my little man is healthy and happy!

A Special Ash Wednesday

There are a million things I'm dying to put into words about how we are adjusting to life with our beautiful baby boy- BUT, I just have to share my thoughts from today.

Today is Ash Wednesday. Let me go back for a moment. Yesterday was "Fat Tuesday" or "Shrove Tuesday". Churches everywhere were having Pancake suppers because it is tradition to rid our systems of fat, eggs and dairy during the season of Lent- when we deny ourselves these and other restricted foods. Historically pancakes and similar foods were eaten on this day to use up stores of the ingredients that would not be used during the 40 days of the Lenten season. For our Fat Tuesday meal we went to Jardin's. We hadn't been there in forever since mexican food did not sound appetizing for the majority of my pregnancy. And it still doesn't since I'm breastfeeding and avoiding heavy, spicy foods. I had a salad-blah.

So today is Ash Wednesday and is so named for the tradition of placing a sign of the cross in ashes on your forehead as a sign of your repentance to God. Since Emma is learning about the meaning of Lent, I decided that I wanted to attend today's chapel service with her at her school. David is in training so Cody and I headed to Redeemer.

Chapel time is a beautiful thing at Emma's school. I have fond memories of sitting in the Narthex of my church/daycare singing songs and learning about God's love- I hope Emma will have the same! They began by singing three songs. Then the daycare director began a demonstration about household items that are used for cleaning. When asked what we could use to clean our hearts, the children responded "JESUS!" without missing a beat. It really touched me to see things through a child's eyes. Perhaps this is why some people love to teach. It was really beautiful, so simple. When our hearts get dirty, down and sad we just have to lean on Jesus. They sang a song about Jesus dying on the cross, but that he rose into heaven and is coming again. The children were so excited about the verse that he's coming again! It's just that simple.

My faith means so much more to me now. Just like I understand love, and am that much more thankful for it now, I understand my faith and realize how far it has brought me. Through my ups and downs, confusion and fear, happy times and times of uncertainty my faith has always been there. God has always been there for me. If I can give anything to my children, teach them anything, I would want to share with them the gift of faith.

I've been feeling more and more like I want us to find a "home" church again. When David and I moved in together we spent a few months looking at churches in our area. It's hard for me because the church I grew up at (attended for daycare, was baptized, confirmed and even married at) is so wonderful. I have attended a good number of different church services but have yet to hear a sermon that reaches you on so many levels as the ones I've grown accustomed to at Gethsemane Lutheran, especially from Pastor Gronberg. I just felt like I wanted to see what else was out there. We visited churches with very active couples' groups, with lots of young famlies and lots going on- but nothing has 'fit' yet. Perhaps our families' search will lead us back to my roots.

For now, Redeemer has been a wonderful blessing for Emma and our family and I am so thankful to share my gift of faith with my family. Many people may not know this but David was never baptized. He grew up attending a Southern Baptist Church but also became involved in a non-denominational church as a youth. He recently told me that he'd like to be baptized at the same time as Cody- how special! I'm so excited and thrilled that he feels led to do this!

During this season of reflection, I am overwhelmed with our many blessings. Our health, our love for one another, the roof over our heads, food to eat and clothes to wear. I'm thankful for my God and his ultimate sacrifice for the forgiveness of my sins!